Position Vacant: Hairdresser

I think it might be time to grow my hair long again. I don't particularly like my hair long but I've lost my hairdresser and the process of having to find a replacement is doing my head in. My problem is hairdressers intimidate the hell out of me.   I don't seem to be able to communicate with hairdressers. When ever I hear the chirpy “so, what are we doing today?” I loose the ability to form sentences and end up saying:

    “ umm, well it's kinda flat and messy. Can you make it un-flat and not messy?”.

As I start to panic, I make the fatal error:
    “Just do what ever you think it needs”.     Big mistake.

My previous hairdresser understood me. She knew what my hair was supposed to look like and didn't bother asking what I wanted. When she got a bit bored and decided to experiment with colours it was done with good intentions. She knew there was no point in discussing Dancing with the Stars with me. She could tell when I was sporting a hangover and would go easy on the head massage. I miss her but I wish her well in her new venture.

Life goes on and I have been to a number of different new hairdressers to see if I can form some sort of connection.

Failure No 1.
While a good haircut is important there are other things that need to be right as well. The problem with Failure No 1 was the refreshments offered to me while I was waiting. Fresh faced apprentice with bright red hair comes bouncing up to me.
    “Can I get you something to drink?”
    “How very nice, thank you. I would like a cup of tea, black with no sugar”

I see her face fall and she walks to the back of the shop. Did I say something wrong? Have I committed a hair salon sin punishable by a head shave?

A few moments later she returns.
    “ umm, how do you make tea? I've never been asked for that before”

Failure No 2.

I'm sure it was my fault. Maybe when I mumbled “can you make it un-flat?” it must have sounded like:
    “I would like you to make me look just like my mother. How big do you think you can make my hair?”

It's an easy mistake to make and I'm sure it's common for customers to want to be a foot taller when they leave.

Failure No 3.
    “Is 2pm ok?”
    “Anything earlier?”
    “I can do 1:30pm.”
    “1:30pm works for me. See you then”

You didn't really have 1:30 available, did you. If you did you wouldn't have left me sitting in front of a mirror staring at myself for half an hour. At the stroke of 2pm my hairdressers (soon to be ex-hairdresser) bounces over. “So, what are we doing today?”
I won't repeat my response as there may be children reading.
My lesson of the day here is don't make smart-arse comments to people with pointy little scissors who have the ability to make you a social leper with the most appalling haircut since Billy Ray Cyrus.

Are hats in fashion this year?