30 November, 2009

I Should Give Myself an Upper Cut.

I'm trying to focus on a job I hate doing, so it seems to be an appropriate time to distract myself with a blog. I should be typing up the minutes of a committee meeting I attended a couple weeks ago. A smart person would have done the minutes straight after the meeting when it was all fresh in her mind. It would have been done and out of the way. Obviously I'm not the afore mentioned smart person. The only reason I am forcing myself to type the damn thing up now is I realised today that next meeting is only days away.  I was filled with that same sense of panic I would get at school when I realised I had an exam that I forgot to study for. 

I'm going to try an experiment: while I'm typing up the minutes I'm going to add comments to my blog about what I am really thinking.

Section 1: Present/Apologies.
This is an interesting section. Heading the list of apologies is the Secretary and the Assistant Secretary which is how I got myself into this predicament in the first place. The meeting opened with the President asking “So, who is going to take the minutes?”. There was a moments silence and everybody was looking at me. In a blinding moment of clarity I realised … OH MY GOD …. I'm the only chick in the room … they expect me to do it. To my shame I capitulated. Without an argument I picked my pen, scrounged a few sheets of blank paper and with a gentle sigh said, “Looks like it's me”. I should give myself an upper cut.

Section 2: Correspondence
I have little to say about this section except you cannot include junk mail in incoming correspondence. Come on people, just because it gets shoved in the mail box it doesn't mean we have to acknowledge it's existence. I refuse to to take this section seriously and shall only make a feeble attempt at it.

Section 3: Matters Arising from the Previous Meeting.
Easy … cut and past everything that was carried forward the last meeting and carry it forward to the next meeting. I'm pretty sure we didn't actually do any of the stuff we should have done.

Section 4: Treasurers Report

Hello CPU … this is the keyboard speaking … We have a problem. We seem to have lost the operator.

Keyboard, this is the CPU … what do you mean you lost the operator? She was there a moment ago.

I don't know where she went … hang on … I've found her. She is under the desk in the foetal position. Can you send a message to the power board to give her a quick shock?


I'm back. Forgive me, I just had a quick nap. I don't think I want to talk about the Treasurers report.

Section 5: President's Report.
WOOHOO! El Presidente had been away for six weeks. No President's report. Thankyou God!!!!

Section 6: General Business
Last section. I'm almost done, except this is where I have my biggest problems. I failed to mentioned previously that I prepared myself for the arduous task of taking the minutes with a beer, several beers in fact. My handwriting which is normally dreadful has taken on a new life. It has amazing artistic merit, but I'm not convinced I was actually writing in English. It is reminiscent of Egyptian Hieroglyphics mixed with a bit of cave art. I'm pretty sure I see a buffalo in there.  Oh look, there's an alien as well ... cool!

Oh, sod it! I'm going to fill this section up with all the stuff I think we should be doing. I bet nobody else was listening to anything that was being discussed so nobody will know the difference.

And there you are Dear Reader, the minutes are finished. Thank you for keeping me amused during my darkest hour. In a final act of defiance, I refuse to do a spell check. Hopefully the litany of spelling mistakes should act as a warning to never ask me to do the sodden minutes again.

29 November, 2009

The Betrayal

I didn't see the note when I first got home. I'd been out all day and my only thoughts were to take off my shoes and kick back on the sofa with a bevvie. It was some time later when I wandered into the kitchen and saw the note on the counter. It looked innocent enough and I'm not sure how I missed it. It was prominently displayed to catch my immediate attention. As I read the note a chill spread through my body and a sunken feeling of betrayal sat in the pit of my stomach.

Dear Vicki

This year we are taking a special time off to go overseas to visit family. Next week will be your last clean. Your first clean next year will be the third week of January.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

A& R, The Cleaners.

How could they do this to me? Leave me to do my own cleaning! Seven weeks of pretending not to see how badly the carpet needs to be vacuumed or ignoring spots of black mould in the shower. How will I survive?

Welcome to my blog. I'm hoping to share with you the product of an overactive imagination and an ability to blow things way out of proportion. Better put on a seat belt, it might get a bit bumpy.

As for A&R, I hope they have a wonderful holiday. Between you and me, it's a bit of a holiday for me as well. Every night before they arrive I go into a cleaning frenzy because I can't stand the thought of having people in my house when it's a mess. Did I mention I have issues? Lots of issues.

I think I will bake up a special Christmas treat as a gift to A&R when they do the final clean for this year. Rum Balls? White Christmas? No, the thought of White Christmas makes me gag. Maybe some fruit mince pies.

Whatever I make you can be sure I will leave the most godawful mess in the kitchen for them to sort out.

Did I mention I'm a bit vengeful?